I’ll be fine, until I am not…..

Stolen?

No,  I think the word that is more conducive to my feelings right now is “hijacked.”  

Hijacked:  to seize by force or threat of force.  

Two weeks ago, I was excited for the travels and adventures that were on my calendar for the next 6 weeks.

Let’s run them down:

*A quick trip home to Oahu gifted by my husband’s company because he was there on business.  

*A patient advocacy training in research with Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale Arizona.  I would actually be there right now. 

*A backpacking trip returning to the amazing HAVASUPAI for 4 days with my hiking/backpacking buddy whom I haven’t seen in a year.  

*Seeing my kids in Long Beach for a couple days in between travel.

Me in Havasupai in 2016

*Another patient advocacy training in Chicago at the Lynn Sage Symposium as part of being an Advocate in Science with Susan G. Komen.  

….

Two weeks ago, I started having dizzy spells that were….literally quite frightening.  To the point where I lost my sense of reality for about 5 minutes in the gym one day.   It scared me ….. bad.   A cancer patient does not take every new ache and pain lightly…in fact, when you have already progressed, every little thing because a BIG thing in where your mind goes.    

….

So my oncologist ordered a CT scan of my brain first, (because an MRI means I have to fully sedated).  Claustrophia is a real thing.   Then she banned me from driving and told me I should not fly.  However  against medical advice, I went ahead and flew to Oahu to meet my husband for a few days and to see my mom and step dad.  It was good.  I am glad I went.

….

Now I am back and waiting STILL for my (fully sedated) MRI to be scheduled.  The symptoms have subsided BUT we still need to check out if there is something going on in my head, like brain mets.  SO…I had to CANCEL ALL my travel plans. 

….

It is depressing.   

Let’s just be real. 

It is hard not to be in your head while waiting for scans and results.

Because my oncologist is always upfront with me, she gave me best and worst case scenarios.   I like upfront.  Sure I want to be optimistic and always will be,  but I am also a realist.  Stage IV cancer is no fucking joke.  

I put a sticky note up in my office/studio. 

“Do Just One Thing Today That Makes You Happy.” 

So I am heading out to go watch the new Downton Abbey movie and I will have a small buttered popcorn to go with it.  

(3 hours later)

I had nachos instead.

The movie was fantastic

My MRI is scheduled for 10/7.

And…

I will be fine until I am not.

Until next time,

 

6 thoughts on “I’ll be fine, until I am not…..

  1. Some how saying “I’m praying for you” just seems tactless. But, I love you sister!! And I hope that Havasupai trip happens eventually for you!! ❤️

  2. I have been thinking about you, and missing you while here in Scottsdale. Also, I’ve been wondering and worrying about your potential progression, MRI schedule, etc. I’m glad to know it’s on the books. Now, we hurry up and wait. But, glad to hear your symptoms have subsided. Sending you big love and hugs. ♥️💕♥️

  3. Waiting is absolutely no fun. But on the other hand you can imagine nothing has changed. Which might be true. But you don’t know because you’re still waiting. Sigh. I’m glad to hear the movie is good. Keep doing one thing that makes you happy. Maybe more. ❤

    Virus-free. http://www.avast.com

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