On Tuesday of this week, I had my regular 6 month PET CT scan, to evaluate the status of the cancer that has taken it’s residence in my shoulder.
This morning I received my results.
Back in April, I attended a conference for women living with advanced stage breast cancer in Philadelphia. I fell apart shortly after coming home from this experience, and to be honest, I will probably never again attend another one. But even though the weekend was hard for me, I received a huge gift through the woman I roomed with, Jill from Seattle.
Jill is a 12 year Mets Survivor and she writes her story here. Her site has been awarded the 2014 Top Cancer Blog. She is raw and honest with her journey, and what she poured into me that weekend was exactly why I needed to go. Her wisdom and experience…….priceless. Her humor…..inspiring. And she sings beneath chandeliers, her voice, angelic. Yep, she is pretty special.
I felt an immediate connectedness with her. She was a safe soul, and spirit. I spent the weekend “gushing” with everything I wanted to say about cancer, and living with it, that I could not articulate to anyone else because they did not and would not understand. Jill listened, never judged, and was present as I unleashed it all. Her words poured over me as an elixir of authenticity and healing.
One of the most pivotal conversations I had with her had to deal with the whole “fighting” cancer deal. I expressed how tired I was of people telling me that I could fight through this, that I was a solider, warrior, fighter, etc. That fighting takes energy. I no longer wanted to expend that type of energy. The energy I wanted to expend was in simplifying, being still, being at peace. I told her I felt guilty because if I expressed this to others that they would think I had given up, when in fact the opposite was true.
Jill had this to say to me, “Make peace with the cancer in your body. Tell it that if its going to stay that you two will have to learn to live together, because if one dies, both die.”
I knew this to be my truth as soon as the words left her lips.
At that moment, I made a truce with the cancer.
If I am to be in the state where I believe I live with an enemy, there is too much energy being spent on trying to defend myself. It’s tiresome for the cancer thriver. Who wants to live their life always on the defensive? Always on guard, always thinking the other shoe might drop? Not me.
I come from the perspective, that I am healed and whole, created in the image of a perfect God. No fighting needed.
Just living and thriving. Grateful for everyday.
As I came up to this last appointment to get injected with a nuclear dye, and lay under the big bad Positron emission tomography machine, I was at complete ease.
Cancer and I. We had a deal.
My cancer is stable. No progression or regression.
So what now?
In 6 months I do this all over again, unless my blood work shows otherwise, until then……
ON WITH LIFE!!!