Unedited and Uncensored

 

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Today’s post is written by our brave poet, Cindy Powell

I had a choice to make about what I was going to post today.

I haven’t been feeling terribly inspired lately so I was thinking of posting a poem I wrote a while back. Since it is much more polished than most of the stuff I write on the fly, it would have been a fairly safe bet. Of course I wasn’t really “feeling” it since I did write it a while ago, but that was perfectly okay with me. Seems like I’ve been feeling a bit too much lately. Taking a break from processing a bunch of intense emotions sounded like the right thing to do.

Until it didn’t.

Until I sat down last weekend with my journal in the midst of yet another meltdown. I’ve been melting down a lot lately. But it’s not a bad thing—it’s good thing. Feeling what I’ve been feeling actually is good. It’s honest, it’s real, it’s necessary …

It’s just not easy.

I took a trip in March that pretty much changed how I view everything in my nice (relatively) tidy little world. I still haven’t stopped crying. Oh I’d been overseas before—lots. I’d seen some crazy hard things and had often found myself in the midst of some intense places and situations. I thought I knew what darkness looked like–but I was wrong. Way wrong.

So I’ve been dealing with that … in the midst of being back in my nice tidy life. It’s a weird dichotomy. But I’ll sort through it–in time. Right now I’ve mostly been focused on holding on to what I gained in the process. And I did gain a lot.

I gained a lot of God’s heart.

To me, that is worth any price. But part of the price often means feeling what is messy, inconvenient, and incredibly difficult to feel. And that is where I’ve been struggling.

In light of that, I felt like the right choice – the honest choice – the brave choice – for today was to simply post what I was feeling—in all its raw and unpolished glory.

This is what I wrote in my journal that day:

Unedited
Uncensored
It’s a hard way to write
There are a zillion thoughts racing through my mind
About how I should feel
About how I should be
About what I should do
But I’m here
I’m here with my heart breaking
And the truth is
I really don’t want to feel it

Unedited
Uncensored
It’s a hard way to live
But could it be
The only way
To truly be me?
All of me
The real me
The me that doesn’t always think or feel
The right things
The me that sometimes doesn’t even know what I’m feeling-
Or why

Unedited
Uncensored
It’s hard but it’s good
Because it’s real
It’s true
It’s brave
Maybe it’s even a little bit holy

Unedited
Uncensored
All of me
As I am
Opened up
To all of You
No hiding
No escaping
No pretending
Just me
Here with You
In my unedited and uncensored pain.

So that’s it. No big finish to wrap things up. Just a few very simple unedited and uncensored thoughts on the pain of feeling what is.

What about you? Is there a place you need to allow yourself the freedom to simply feel what you feel? The freedom to be who you are, where you are? If so, maybe it’s time to write some unedited and uncensored words of your own.

It just may be the bravest thing you do all week.

*******

Cindy Powell has been leading prayer ministries and prayer teams both locally and globally for nearly twenty years. Whether speaking, writing, or praying, her desire above all is that her words will draw others into a deeper and more intimate relationship with Jesus. Visit her blogs Deeper Waters or Simple Faith

Photo cred: http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/blogs/reading-is-bliss/9387913/The-literature-of-heartbreak

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8 thoughts on “Unedited and Uncensored

    1. Nice to know I’m not the only one! Keep writing those unedited and uncensored thoughts, Tiffany–lots of people need to hear what you have to say. (Well, at least the ones you’re willing to share <3)

  1. Wow! God’s timing with this is blowing me away! I have been journaling for years, but the past several weeks I have only journaled a few times. Yet it’s been a period of so many constant thoughts and feelings. Can’t figure out what’s held me back from journaling? Thank you for this “unedited and uncensored” piece of work – and for stirring the same in me.

    1. Glad it was good timing, Sharon! Sometimes it IS hard to not censor ourselves as we go along, but it is so much more healing (and revealing) when we don’t. Thanks for being such an encourager–always appreciated 🙂

  2. Awesome expressions of the heart! Thanks for sharing these. I’ve had similar experiences myself. I think the pain you go through when you’ve experienced what you’ve experienced on your trip is the Father’s heart for people who are in such suffering. You see how He sees. It’s unedited from His perspective and it painfully reconfigures your heart. It’s unbearable without His grace. It tattoos you deep inside and changes you (for the better!) You’ll never be the same…and you shouldn’t be. 🙂 Blessings.

    1. Always appreciate your insights, Mel. Thanks 🙂 Yes–that about sums it up–a painful reconfiguration of the heart. This trip was different, and went way deeper for a lot of reasons. I know the things we saw–as horrific as they were–were by design. It was an invitation–one that carried both an awesome privilege and a sobering responsibility. I’m still walking it out and will be for a while! (Like maybe forever :-))

      1. Thanks for letting me be me, living in the moment, and for the space to ‘live real’ throughout the trip. Being real about who I am in the moment is the way I best flow with Him. ❤ PS-Been busy letting go of bananas!

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