Today’s post is written by our brave poet, Cindy Powell
I had a choice to make about what I was going to post today.
I haven’t been feeling terribly inspired lately so I was thinking of posting a poem I wrote a while back. Since it is much more polished than most of the stuff I write on the fly, it would have been a fairly safe bet. Of course I wasn’t really “feeling” it since I did write it a while ago, but that was perfectly okay with me. Seems like I’ve been feeling a bit too much lately. Taking a break from processing a bunch of intense emotions sounded like the right thing to do.
Until it didn’t.
Until I sat down last weekend with my journal in the midst of yet another meltdown. I’ve been melting down a lot lately. But it’s not a bad thing—it’s good thing. Feeling what I’ve been feeling actually is good. It’s honest, it’s real, it’s necessary …
It’s just not easy.
I took a trip in March that pretty much changed how I view everything in my nice (relatively) tidy little world. I still haven’t stopped crying. Oh I’d been overseas before—lots. I’d seen some crazy hard things and had often found myself in the midst of some intense places and situations. I thought I knew what darkness looked like–but I was wrong. Way wrong.
So I’ve been dealing with that … in the midst of being back in my nice tidy life. It’s a weird dichotomy. But I’ll sort through it–in time. Right now I’ve mostly been focused on holding on to what I gained in the process. And I did gain a lot.
I gained a lot of God’s heart.
To me, that is worth any price. But part of the price often means feeling what is messy, inconvenient, and incredibly difficult to feel. And that is where I’ve been struggling.
In light of that, I felt like the right choice – the honest choice – the brave choice – for today was to simply post what I was feeling—in all its raw and unpolished glory.
This is what I wrote in my journal that day:
It’s a hard way to write
There are a zillion thoughts racing through my mind
About how I should feel
About how I should be
About what I should do
But I’m here
I’m here with my heart breaking
And the truth is
I really don’t want to feel it
It’s a hard way to live
But could it be
The only way
To truly be me?
All of me
The real me
The me that doesn’t always think or feel
The right things
The me that sometimes doesn’t even know what I’m feeling-
It’s hard but it’s good
Because it’s real
Maybe it’s even a little bit holy
All of me
As I am
To all of You
Here with You
In my unedited and uncensored pain.
So that’s it. No big finish to wrap things up. Just a few very simple unedited and uncensored thoughts on the pain of feeling what is.
What about you? Is there a place you need to allow yourself the freedom to simply feel what you feel? The freedom to be who you are, where you are? If so, maybe it’s time to write some unedited and uncensored words of your own.
It just may be the bravest thing you do all week.
Cindy Powell has been leading prayer ministries and prayer teams both locally and globally for nearly twenty years. Whether speaking, writing, or praying, her desire above all is that her words will draw others into a deeper and more intimate relationship with Jesus. Visit her blogs Deeper Waters or Simple Faith