I Am Not Alone

I Am Not Alone
I Am Not Alone

Today’s post is written by Brave Writer, Melanie Neilson.

My feet hit the cold, hard floor. My mind tries to focus.  A quick breath escapes my lungs.

I am alone.

Half awake.  A strange voice echoes down the hall.  “Time for meds.”  What meds? Where am I?

I am alone.

An antiseptic aroma invades my nostrils.  My eyes cannot focus.  Head throbbing, nausea rising, I reach for my glasses and breathe a silent prayer begging God to let this be a dream.  My vision clears, my heart races. This is real.  I am not home.  It is not a dream.

I am alone.

Glancing at the empty twin bed next to me, I think about my sister and I.  Seven and eight year old girls in our room in our Tennessee home.  For a split second my heart fills with joy as I remember times when we couldn’t contain ourselves and giggled our way to sleep.  Dread quickly yanks that from me as thoughts of fear attack my mind. I recall pain in that room.

I am alone.

Reaching for my robe, I stand to follow the voice that directs me to the hallway.  I do not want to be seen.  I reach for the belt to the robe to cover myself.  The belt is gone. I look to the floor and then it hits me, they took that too.  Through the haze, I vaguely remember it being removed so that while I was alone it would not be used to harm myself.  Would I do that? Am I capable of doing that?  Another wave of fear washes over me as I look around and as it sinks in,

I am alone.

I start to move, but my feet are like anchors at the bottom of the sea.  My voice wants to cry out for help, but there is no one to hear.  I yearn to crawl back in the hard, sterile bed, close my eyes and not wake up.

I am alone.

How did I get here?  Why has this happened?  What did I do to make them leave me alone?  I tried so hard to be good enough but now,

I am alone.

I pray another silent prayer that God would somehow show me I was not alone.  Then I hear it.  A sound so soft that I believe it is my imagination.  As I stand motionless, I try to make out the sound.  It is someone weeping softly.  As I gaze into the far corner of the room, I see a person sitting on the floor, crying softly with her head on her knees.

I was not alone.

I move gently, slowly toward her.  She holds out her hand and says through her tears, “I am so glad….I am not alone.”  I take her precious hand in mine and breathe deeply and say, “And I…am not alone.”

*****************************************************************

God heard my cry.  He heard my prayer.  And gave me a promise that day that He, himself goes before me and will be with me; He will never leave me or forsake me.  I am not to be afraid or discouraged.  Deuteronomy 31:8.   He was with me in the form of a new friend.  I was not alone.

I am not alone. 

*****************************************************************

This began part of my brave journey to work through years of pain, rejection and trying to prove myself good enough for others.  I found that one of the most liberating discoveries was that I was not alone.  This precious hand I took into mine belongs to a dear friend, a gift from God.  He knew we both needed each other as we both took brave steps to heal and to trust again.  I think about this very painful season in my life and it reminds me that walking the journey alone is not an option for me.  I must bravely walk my journey with others.

I am not alone.

Photo credit: Siarah Neilson

Melanie is a wife, mom, and grammy to an amazing family of twelve.  She is a friend, daughter, sister, pastor, and advocate for justice.  Her heart goes beyond the borders of the United States and longs to love others the way Jesus does. 

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11 thoughts on “I Am Not Alone

  1. I was holding my breath as I was reading this, Mel. Powerful. From a purely selfish perspective, I’m so thankful you are on this team so I will get to read more! From a broader perspective, I’m thankful because I know MANY will be blessed as you share your heart. You are a great writer!! But even more, you are an awesome woman of God with a huge heart. Anyone who knows you already know that, but I’m glad others will get to see as well. 🙂

    1. Thank you Cindy for your encouragement. I have to admit, it’s humbling to be part of this incredible group of writers, artists and poets. So thankful I am not alone. 🙂 ❤ you much!

    1. I’m weeping as I read your words. They sink in, deep. I love your vulnerability and courage, dear one. Thanks for being so real, so brave!

  2. I read this once, and was left speechless. I didn’t know how to respond because when I feel alone I reach out to you. So I read it a second time and wondered what all you went through to give me the life and security I have. Then I read it a third time and was in awe of how God works in your life and how it affects me. As your daughter, I read this with a thankful heart. I am thankful for you. I am thankful that you were not alone and that I am not alone. I am thankful for your bravery mom! Because you were and still are incredibly brave I can be brave. Thank you.

    1. Now I am speechless. I love you daughter more than words can portray. WE are not alone. Love you to the moon and back little nut brown hair. 😉

  3. Melanie,
    God is so real, I know I am not alone. I like to say, “on my own, but not alone”. I am thankful He did not let me feel abandoned. Love your passion, friend!
    Jill

    1. Jill, Yes, God is SO real and you are not alone! Mungu ni Mwema! God is good! All the time, God is good! I miss you dear friend and I love your passion too! Want to join us in Kenya again?
      Love you!

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