I Told God I Didn’t Want Him.

Today’s post is written by our Brave Artist Mariah Neilson

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This picture was taken in Myanmar, by Mariah Neilson. 

Looking up I saw the freedom I wanted. The freedom I had hoped for. But I was trapped. I was hurt. I was afraid. I was afraid of letting God come in and heal my broken heart. I blamed God.

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This picture was taken in Hungary, by Mariah Neilson.

I told God I didn’t want Him in my life, not if it meant losing the person I thought I loved. A person I never felt good enough for. A person, who I felt I had to earn their love and affection. A person I was so afraid of losing, I lost my self trying to please.

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This picture was taken in Austria, by Mariah Neilson.

I thought I could find joy and healing on my own. I mean, I could see it. It was on the other side of the gate. I could stick my fingers through the holes and be happy right? I thought I could do it by myself. I was going to do it without God.

Medicine

This picture was taken in a pharmacy in  Hungary, by Mariah Neilson.

I was stubborn and I didn’t want to surrender. Surrendering meant I couldn’t do it on my own. Surrendering meant I was weak. I didn’t know what it meant to trust God. Before this, nothing was hard enough for me to truly need to lean on God. I got by with faking it. I put on a front.

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This picture was taken at Machu Picchu, Peru, by Mariah Neilson.

Once I decided to surrender and trust God, it didn’t magically become easier for me. In fact the crystal clear joy I saw on the other side of the fence became hazy and I know longer knew where I was headed. So I pressed into God more, hoping for a better view.

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This picture was taken at The Great Wall of China, in China by Mariah Neilson

But even when my view seemed to be better, even when my faith seemed to be stronger I felt unsure of where God was taking me. But this is different. While I might not know where God is taking me, I know his plan for me is good. He took me out a relationship where I had lost my self to reveal who I was in Him. But He required surrender on my part.

So I continue to surrender.

All pictures were taken and edited by Mariah Neilson through Treasured Hope Photography. 

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Mariah Neilson is 20 years old. She is a newly claimed artist, a Live Brave Artist, with a passion for photography, long walks and everything pink. She is in her third year of college,  working on her bachelors degree in Psychology with a minor in Global Cultural studies. She is a Resident Assistant to about 50 students. Her goal in life is to live a life that is full of grace and compassion. In free time she likes to write and explore this beautiful world around me. Mariah also writes on treasuredhope.wordpress.com

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24 thoughts on “I Told God I Didn’t Want Him.

  1. I could not stop the lump forming in my throat or the tears from rolling down my cheeks. As I found myself lost in your incredible photographs, I felt the words through them deep within my soul. Your brave journey gives me courage to keep moving forward in my journey. Thank you for your transparency and courage to share! ❤ YOU!

  2. Wow – I don’t know what moved me more – your pictures, your words, or your bravery at such a young age. All very beautiful. I look forward to reading and seeing more of your work. You are blessed to have traveled to these places where your art was captured. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you for your encouragement. I don’t know which was harder, being honest that I needed God or allowing my hurt to be transparent for others to see. God did this as I traveled to these places. Each photograph encompasses where my heart was at on this trip. Through the five months I traveled my heart was broken, I was angry, I walked away from God then came running back. It is a story of God relentlessly loving and pursuing me.

  3. Very good, Ry! So blessed to be present during your growing process. I am glad that God keeps rekindling our friendship through love, forgiveness, honesty, and grace. I love you! ♥

  4. Oh my goodness, these pictures are stunning. Almost as beautiful as your heart 🙂 Can’t wait to see where this journey of surrendering will take you. I especially look forward to the overflow of beauty that will be released through your life as a result. Thanks for being willing to share and giving us a sneak peek!

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