Today’s brave post comes from a very dear friend of mine. I have known Kimberly for over 10 years, and have had the honor of walking alongside her in her journey. She is one of the most authentic people I know, and her grace abounds to all. I hope her post today, encourages you all.
It was another dreadful day, cleaning up & throwing away 28 years of A life together. All I could hear were the voices in my head screaming “Stupid, ugly, worthless, I told you, not good enough” on & on the voices went. I tried to zone out the voices. I was looking at so many memories of a life shared together, pictures, cards, gifts, jewelry, on and on, the memories of each moment passed before me. My anger slowing rising, throwing things away in the trash. “Things” I had held so dearly for the memories they contained. Now being thrown away so carelessly. Throwing harder and harder into the trash trying to break each item, praying that as each item was broken, the memory would be broken from my conscious and I wouldn’t ever remember again. No memory, No pain.
As I was going through different items in the house, I kept seeing videos run through my mind, of when I was in elementary school and was so mean to girls. How in High School I use to wear these pins on my blouse that said “Wold’s Greatest Bitch” and how I made sure I had one in each color so it would match my clothes. I was so proud of those pins, so proud that no one could see passed the bitch and see the little girl crying out for love & acceptance. On and on the different vidoes would run in my head, and all I could think of is “WOW, what a horrible person I was, and am, no wonder I am where I am, I deserve it…”
Over the last 2 years the enemy has really played a number on me with the memories of those “World’s Greatest” pins and I would cringe every time I allowed it to play in my mind. Yet at the same time over these same years, people who knew me from those days would remember me differently and would try and change the videos in my head. I would just shake my head, put the fake smile on, and say Thank You. But my heart & head would tell me “they’re just being nice, they don’t REALLY mean that”.
Little by Little, I started to really discover who I was, what I was really like, and did it really matter how I was, as long as that wasn’t who I was now? And just as I was starting to believe this truth the enemy came at me again and reminded me about those pins and about my past and about everything he could throw my way. Like a dummy I played into his hand, I started to once again believe the trash talk, and allowed myself to be taken down once more by the enemy of lies. As I was coming up for air, I asked the Lord “Please show me…my worth, help to restore who I am really am in you, SHOW.ME.LORD!!!!”
For some reason, I got up and started to look in my dresser drawer where I keep all my jewlery, and started searching for something, I just didn’t know what. As I was searching I saw “THE” pin turned upside down in this drawer, that I don’t remember seeing the countless times I have gone into this drawer. My hand hovers over it, and than I snatch it back, as if it’s a snake. I tell myself “see even God is showing me what a horrible person I was/am”. I didn’t want to turn it over, in fact, I got pissed and slammed the drawer shut and said out loud “I don’t need you to tell me God what I already know” but, His prompting made me go back, and with trembling hands, a sobbing heart, I turned it over. I was shocked, I started to shake and cry uncontrollably, there in my hand was “THE” pin but it didn’t say “World’s Greatest Bitch” It said “World’s Greatest Sweetheart” and He showed me through His love, grace & mercy I AM A Sweetheart and so much more.
Thank you Lord for your continued restoring love.